| | Kelly's Latest Entries | 01.12.2008 22:46:25 | Kelly | 0 Comments FYI hessians cannot post blogs. It's against their religion(s) which wikipedia defines as an original pressing of Napalm Death "Scum" and a Leftover Crack patch on their op shop army greens. As i have nothing relevant to impart to the world and do way less drugs than Dase, i am having him post this. It's like The Simpson's with Leonard Nimoy. Look to the skis.
"I n lieu of an actual blog, here's something for ya. I went to the museum today. I was meant to go to work but I was in the city to go to swop shop and shit and was like 'hmm...work...vs dinosaur skeletons...'. Seriously what would you choose? To ad to the whole bonus of it I had my walkman and a tape with some Khanate and Burning Witch in my car so it would've been fucking perfect. It would've been my own next-level audio tour where instead of being told about the pleosticene or plasticene or whatever the hell era I would've been like staring into the gaping mouth of imgonnafuckinkillyouasaurus and bigenoughtofuckabusodon and shit with some dude going QUIET NOWWWW, WHILE I STRIIIIP BONNNNEEEEEE, I CRAWWWWLLLL INSIDDDEEEEE MY HUMAAAAAN SHIEEEEEELLLLLLLD in my ears and shit and that would've ruled.
Notice the tense being speculative, implying a conclusion that was unfortunately not met. That's because THE FUCKING DINOSAUR EXHIBIT WAS CLOSED UNTIL NEXT YEAR.
I actually went to the melbourne museum on the day that it opened with my pezzas a couple of years ago. It was pretty rad. My old man just grumpily stalked around the place for a couple of hours going on about how it wasn't a proper museum with all this touchy-feely-interactive learning crap replacing 'bits of some ancient greek poof's pottery and big fucking skeletons'. So coming back several years later and not getting the final payoff of dinosaurs? Seriously, fuck you in the dick, melbourne museum.
And fuck this kidteractive fun learning experience bullshit. I don't want fucking light and sound displays and fucking film screenings and shit. I want actual tangible history...the problem being that biggest part of the museum is 'the melbourne story' and, that's right WE DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING HISTORY. There's an exhibit devoted to the cultural significance of 'neighbours'. No not the people next door who have loud fights and you kinda giggle when you hear the sound of pottery crashing and 'WELL YEAH I FUCKED YORE BEST MAN AT THE WEDDING' yelled at 2am. Not that. The fucking TV show.
Melbourne museum peeps; if I wanted the history of neighbours I would take that ever so exciting bus tour, or just go up to the Burvale hotel on thursday night and run into the douchebag who plays Lou off his face on cheap reisling again (still funny, more than a decade later). If I wanted to learn in a fun and interactive way I'd go do something fun and interactive like play a game of 'let's get baked and see what household objects are funny to put in the microwave'. If I wanted my kid to learn about history and the world around them I'd show them gory war movies, and then teach them something worthwhile, like how easy it is to survive by eating nothing but 40c packets of mee goreng for a month. Or how you tell the taxi drivers (or cops) that you live at the end of the road that dead ends at the horse paddocks so you can fuck off into the backlots of the golf course and they can't chase you.
I wouldn't take them to some re-re place that encourages you to stick yr head in a beehive (oh yeah, GREAT skill to learn, that one), or sycophanticly worships the 'story of phar lap'. What the hell is with that anyway? IT'S A HORSE. IT WON A RACE. Then you put it in a huge case and sit around partaking in some intellectual circle jerk, talking about how vicariously fucking fantabulous all of melbourne is with our fabulous history because since 1835 our pretty much most memorable thing is WE HAD A RACE AND A HORSE WON IT? Seriously for the amount of hype that stupid equine fuckwit gets you would think he cured cancer, delivered pizza to sick kids and once copped a wristie from queen victoria.
There are already places for fun learning, like scienceworks, and the dumpsters behind a shopping center. Museums shouldn't be that. Remember the old one in the middle of the city? Remember those fucking spider crabs on the walls? I had an acid-induced nightmare about one of those once when I was eleven and I've been scared of any cunt with eight legs ever since. Museums are places where we're supposed to be equal parts terrified, grossed out (some of the human dissection stuff got me there, I'll give you that) or bored. They're places where we go to look at big fuck-off stuffed animals, or culturally insensitive artifacts looted from destroyed cultures or world war battlefields. I wanted my big fucking dinosaur skeletons. I got NO big fucking dinosaur skeletons. Have a nice warm glass of stop being so fucking shit, melbourne museum and lift the game."28.10.2008 16:46:15 | Kelly | 2 Comments
Severed Ties tour diary pt. 2
Righto.... here is the last part of our epic adventure with Amity, A Secret Death, House vs Hurricane and Christopher James Dusting esquire.
Day 11
So we headed back to work for a few days after the Canberra show which was absolutely shithouse, especially with the stories filtering through of Joey spewing in nightclubs, Joel copying Ahren's tattoos and ASD sacrificing kangaroos in the desert on the days off. Nonetheless, it was finally time to leave again come Thursday. We set a new record time for driving to Adelaide, getting there in 14 hours with no major mishaps.... like hitting one of the hundreds of kangaroos we saw though Cotter did collect a rabbit and Lou hit a bird (which left a nice Jacob Bannon-esque wing spray on our bumper.) Once we arrived in Adelaide, we met up with JIGGZY FROM THRUSH for food then headed to a bbq at Gonz's house, were the other bands were hanging with beer, backyard cricket, sausgaes and rotting citrus fruits. Did i mention it was 14 degrees in Sydney and fucking 38 in Adelaide? Fucking hell. Anyway, we hit the show and watched the Vampirates get things off to a cracker, that band rules. We played and i didn't rate it, my ankle was trying to commit suicide. House were massive as expected, ASD got love from The Rivalry pit crew then Amity went bananas with about 82356983 stage dives. Seriously, they have more stage dives per show than Terror. We hit up Syke afterwards which was pretty shoddy then bailed to Footy's to sleep.
Day 12
Drive to Melbourne for the over age show at the Evelyn. Bazza The Robot drove the whole way (kudos) then Lou and i went to a Greek feast with Jarrod and some of our Melbourne mates, like Jarule the Nose and Cam the Fingerer (plus KYS' very own viking, Craig the Bez.) After eating enough to spew on stage we played and went ok (i didnt hurl onstage) then hit the beer garden and hung out with all the dudes. Every band got a good response tonight and Amity was pretty silly again. After that we all went to Bang and things get really hazy. There was lots of rum in my hand and i know Jacob and Dusting had a 3/4 way with the Evelyn bar staff in a spa at 7am. Was i supposed to not say that? I slept in Dez's driveway and Calligraphy Dick tried to fuck Jervis. Awkward!
Day 13
Seriously fucking hungover and shit today, everyone was vague as all hell. We played and it was ok, unfortunately missed Confession playing Frenzal covers due to the tour photo which will be the gayest photo of all time thanks to, of course, Jacob. The other bands were good but everyone was very subdued today, due to the hangovers and end of the tour (sad face.) Tom and Jake interviewed Lou and i for a BGO podcast which was pretty funny, i hope the cooking segment makes it. More hangs then it was goodbye time. Minge definitely cried like a little girl, it was pretty embarassing. Rat Boner hit the road and got back to Sydney sometime around 5am.... then got up a few hours later to go to work. Fuck.
Thanks to every person who came to a show, Cam and the people who organised it and of course the other bands who are all rulers. We will announce our next tour pretty soon and should have news about our album then as well.
Eat shit! 20.10.2008 14:29:37 | Kelly | 9 Comments Hello internet. We have just finished the first extended week of The Amity Affliction record tour and it has been the most bullshit good times you could imagine.
Day 1
Rat Boner hit the road to Brisbane late Thursday on the way to Brisbane with a brief detour to Byron Bay to pick up our party liason, Reide, from his cushy rainforest bungalow. We hightailed it to our friend Nick's joint in Brisbane and set about demolishing some rum cans and eventually made it out to the venue where we met up with all the arseholes from the other bands and proceeded to drink more. Reality TV celebrity Michael Crafter and his personal assistant Chode even turned up to the delight of all the 15 year girls. After our set, House Vs Hurricane played and had nearly every kid in the room moshing and singing along. Seriously, fuck those guys. A Secret Death melted faces and then Amity turned the room upside down, which is pretty hard considering there were about 273569827 people there. Way too many stage invasions, crowd surfers getting thrown into the roof, Helmet, party poppers and Joel being mauled were the order of the set. Not a bad first day.
Day 2
We headed off to the Goldie, with a short stop for Cotter to grab some Euro trash sunnies, to everyone's favourite sewerage outlet, Xpressive Grounds. Good sets from everyone and more crazy shit from the crowd during House and Amity. 14 year old girls PA diving is pretty gnarly. After some good pizza, we hit the road back to Brisbane to play Thriller at Rosies. Shit was totally mental and drunken. I have nothing further to add besides the fact that Chris Dusting went to the casino and hates Wesley Snipes and Helmet was the drunkest person in the world ever. That night Brendan earned the nickname Calligraphy Dick. Awkward.
Day 3
Day off woo! Most of the dudes headed to a bbq in New Farm Park and preceded to get totally wasted and be shithouse. Par for the course really. The true party animals got high, went and ate Chinese food and watched Meshuggah.
Day 4
Another day off. Lochlan Watt joins our little team. Dreamworld is too fucking expensive so we bar it and go to Byron to hang with Team Afends. Kelly tried to do a shit in the surf and Calligraphy Dick definitely bodysurfed with a longneck. Between Reide's sister hitting on Kent, Lochlan eating shit soup, bongs and Mario Kart 64 today was a good day.
Day 5
After an early swim we roll out to Coffs Harbour and learn a valuable lesson. Being on time for load in doesnt mean shit if the other bands dont show until doors. Fucks. Tonights show is fun and van party is in full effect, regardless of the tropical storm trying to flood the North Coast. Chris2 becomes Poodz after nature fucks up his hair. Sucked in. After the show, everyone goes to McDonald's which has closed bar the drive thru. 25 drunk deadshits lined up in a drive thru telling cars to fuck off was an interesting sight. More weed, more sleep.
Day 6
Roll to Taree with a case in the House mobile. The show is in a skate rink and is pretty good, dudes actually circle pit to our band - THAT SHIT NEVER HAPPENS! (more circle pits please.) Surprisingly, we are actually selling merch and not all going broke buying petrol so Team Rat Boner is stoked. There is only 1 straight edge kid in Taree and i saw an old woman wearing a Ceremony shirt. Cool. We find the last open bottle-o in town and hole up at Amity's hotel watching Battlefield Earth and being dead shits.
Day 7
We drive to Wyong early so Lou can get tattooed so the rest of us hit the beach with House. Riz and Joey pussy out of jumping off rocks at the beach so to make up for it Joey shows everyone in Terrigal his dick while calling old women and schoolgirls fat sluts. What a guy. After rolling down a giant hill and Calligraphy Dick hurting himself we go to the venue and sit around drinking and meet an old dude named Muscles who sings so much Metallica, ASD decide to cover Enter Sandman with him during their set. Unfortunately, security wont let Muscles in. Good one dickheads. Show is good and Nate, Riz and Kelly activate the pit. Members of varied bands are starting to fall deeply in love with each other. It is very scary.
Day 8
Most of Rat Boner go to work today, which was a shithouse idea. Hit Manning Bar, play an ok set then proceed to get retarded. House continue to kill it, fuckers. During ASD's super riff (you know the one,) every other band dude comes on stage and air guitars making for extra good times. Amity's set is bananas, with Cotter's pit clearing, thumbs up stage dive bomb being a definite highlight. Special mention to Joe ASF kneeing some chick in the head on his birthday. Most of the dudes go out and get seriously fucked up on Oxford St. Good work Dan Bombings.
Day 9
Wollongong. Todays show was in a giant venue and we dont really feel it. House aren't playing as their drummer Mikey has to go to wedding and Minge sucks. Not really. But he does have Kanye West tattoos. Luckily, van party is in full swing to make up for it. With the addition of ASD changing Amity's lyrics and Poodz being a spastic the day is saved. Dinner at a steakhouse with Mary Jane Kelly afterwards is also pretty good, with Justin from MSN making an appearance, the hot waitress getting fingered and Matt MJK serving us cokes. Thanks bitch.
Day 10
Drive to Canberra in a timewarp and somehow become super late. It's ok though as House and ASD are just as late, as we all hammer along Lake George trying not to be last. We are upset that we couldnt steal House's trailer from McDonalds but you can't win em all. The show is in a tiny hot room and is pretty good, dudes are into it. Team Canberra is there so everything is thumbs up. The others churn out good sets and Dead Kings slaughter. We bail but not before eating shitloads of garlic bread and putting a dick made of gaffa tape on House's van.
Now for next week and all the sad faces as the bromance ends :( 29.08.2008 13:47:06 | Kelly | 7 Comments So i used to get down to a fair few metalcore bands. I stopped listening when the bands started releasing bad records and legions of imitators appeared from fucking everywhere. Seriously, there has been some turgid shit pumped out in the last few years.
Anyway, i thought i would break my extended blog drought to write about a whole load of records that i have been able to listen to in the last few weeks that have rekindled my interest in this shit.
Bring Me The Horizon - Suicide Silence
This record is sick! Way less At The Gates riffs and more rock n roll, Bury Your Dead mosh, experimental (!) parts and programming. JJ from Deez Nuts (or some cunt who sounds exactly the same as him) pops up on a song called Football Season Is Over, which is purely about partying and getting wasted. Woo! Minus 1 point for nicking a Parkway Drive vis Justin Timberlake lyric.
Bleeding Through - Declaration
This record is pretty good. BT always have dirty sounding records and this is not much different, though there is a far more pronounced black metal influence which is cool. It also seems that they would enjoy, and i quote Dase, McDonald's crust bands like Tragedy which help them stand apart from every slick sounding Adam D produced record.
Unearth - The March
Speaking of slick Adam D metalcore, we have the new record from Unearth. This seems way more like The Oncoming Storm than the super metal of III: In The Eyes Of Fire. The breakdown in Crow Killer is the best thing the band has done since Endless. You are moshing and spirit fingering (lol) to MIDI sounding tapping.
Underoath - Lost In the Sound Of Separation
I really disliked Define The Great Line so was not keen for this. Turns out i was wrong! They have managed to smooth out the Every Time I Die and Isis bits into their own sound and it is awesome. Makes me nearly forgive them for constantly spouting shit about Jesus.
Norma Jean - Vs The Anti-Mother
Disappointingly, the band that kept it together best while everyone else was fucking around have just released their worst album. It might take a few listens to get but it currently is not doing it for me. And to think, Redeemer was awesome!
Misery Signals - Controller
Ok, this has been out for a while but it took Cam reminding me to actually listen. This is their best record by far and will definitely be in my top records of the year. So heavy, so good! It just works so well.
The Amity Affliction - Severed Ties
Not metalcore, but its long lost cousin screamo. This record is awesome, and im not just saying that because Joel and Lukel would maim me for saying otherwise. it's everything High Hopes was plus more. Only downside is that it is kind of short.
A Secret Death - S/T
I have not heard this but fucking want it nowwwwwwww!
Bye bye! Make sure you go to a show on the Amity album tour! 16.06.2008 14:25:11 | Kelly | 8 Comments Sunday June 1st We pick up our van in Sydney, load it up, realise the sliding door is fucked and keeps falling out of its rail, realise we don't have a radio ipod thing and Jerry has left his GPS at home. Good start. Stop in Newy to get the ipod radio thing and find out the cigarette lighter doesnt work. After 13 plays of Nofx - Punk In Drublic, Cotter is about to snap so we cruise up the coast listening to talk back radio while Jervis has us trying to decide if we would rather fuck a corpse or put a relative in a fridge, shoot it 5 times then suck off your dad. Jervis picks a fight with the dude at Kempsey subway. Crash out at our homie Kent's place in Byron. Kelly is still vegan. Monday June 2nd Byron is rainy as fuck. Cotter is pissed because this means there are no sketchy Euro's to check out on the beach. Bummer. After some pies and a visit to the Afends workshop, we find out our merch isnt ready. Gay. Roll to the venue, Expressive grounds on the Gold Coast, inspect the river and hang out at the Palm Beach SLSC with Josh. It is still raining like a motherfucker. Lou turns up with Scrad, both hammered on goon. Dave has a gay jumper. The show starts and the turn out is ok. Die Go Die are sweet and dudes get down to Third Strike, who have the most brutal bass sound ever. It was like getting stabbed in the ears. We get to play with these dudes again at Sam's Shed in late July (Sam is the man.) We play an Earth Crisis cover that Jervis sings. No one cares at all. Four Year Strong set up in about 2 seconds and start, saying they are from Worcester, Massachutses for the first of many times this week. This band is fucking good. More 'gritty' than the record and half the songs are faster. Also tight as fuck. Fuckers. They play a Suicide File song. Pretty much no one has any idea what is happening. Show finishes way early and we roll to Brisbane with Shane Collins to crash out. Kelly is still vegan. Tuesday June 3rd Today we swap our shitty van, go to Alibi for food, visit Joel, Luke and Lochlan at the DBD office, walk around Brisbane, hang out at Kill the Music and meet up with Trad for beers. Tonight's show is at 299 with our good friend Mackey's band, Values Here. We load in then someone has the sweet idea of hitting the peeps. This is fucked because it is 5pm. I think you need to be wasted to go to the peeps. The straight edge sicko's in FYS disagree. After Alan gets mad keen on some horrible chick and Cotter proves his Engadine-ness, a group go to RG to start the pints, with Josh and Joe revealing they are down for the party. In no time it's show time. Values Here are sweet (their Ep comes out soon on Skull And Bones,) we go alright and Kelly doesn't fall over. Four Year Strong smash it again and yet again, confuse the fuck out of everyone by playing that Suicide File song. There is a dude party after this show, ably captained by Trad, Lou and Scrad. Jake ASD and Brendan make out. A sweet tour is also proposed that looks like it will be occuring in October... Oh yeah! Kelly sells out on veganism. Jervis cries. Wednesday June 4th Today Kelly gets part of his Waynes World tattoo while Cotter and Terry laugh at him. Thanks Wade. We load in super early at the Princess Theatre and marvel at Brendan and Lou's hangovers. Nothing much happens in Wollongabba so it is a relief when the show starts. Tonight's show is on the floor in a huge hall that is covered in bird poo and pigeon feathers. We open and are ok. Against are up next and kill it, new drummer and all. You will be happy to know that Greg still sound slike a seal. Cotter and Kelly look for bats in the rafters while FYS activate the pit again. Kids jump off the speaker stacks and dudes get fucked up. Show is great. We pile in the van to start our drive to Sydney, with a retarded stop at the Big Banana in Coffs Harbour at 3am. Thursday June 5th Home town! Daytime sleeps have us keen to get back into and we are pretty keen as we head to the show. Four Year Strong are confused as to why we aren't headlining tonight's show at the Manning Bar. We laugh for about an hour. Four Year Strong soundcheck with Converge's Saddest Day, reinforcing that they are from Boston and will fight you. Losing Streak open and still don't have any gear (hi Bmon.) Jack Napier are next and are tough as shit, even if Kade is a midget. They play a New Found Glory cover and after some heckling do a Hatebreed cover, which Kelly moshes to in his leg brace. We are up next and everything is going fine until Brendan smashes Cotter in the face with his bass. Whoops. Kade hops back on stage and we do NFG's Hit Or Miss with him. Lots of moshing ensues. We finish the set with Cotter bleeding everywhere which was cool for us (not him.) Four Year Strong destroy Manning Bar and Brendan lets fly with the shittest stage dive in history. Bummer. The party team hits Hot Damn tonight and we get fucked up, while the others pussy out. This is also Monty's first day on the tour and he is a sick cunt. Fuck the Celtics. Friday June 6th We have a leisurely drive to chilly Canberra with some stops to let Lou spew. We meet up with the FYS, Slowburn and Pat and mad hangs ensue. A plot is hatched to cover Hope Con's Truth And Purpose by Lou and Kelly from RB, Jake and Alan from FYS and Sam Slowburn. Mad cunts. The Mr Hands video is wheeled out. Fuck. No one cares about the supports tonight but go ape shit for FYS. During "Bada Bing Wit A Pipe" there are 19 stage dives. I think you get the idea. After huge exercise balls getting kicked around and Dan nearly smashing Kelly's guitar we head out the back to check out Rex Banana's latest purchase... $100 of fireworks (bought on one of only 2 days its legal all year!!!) and a bag of weed (thanks Sam.) After shooting up a backboard and throwing a sparking firework at people, Dave Slowburn manages to completely miss the basketball ring and throws a huge firework inside the building, narrowly missing the TM, Charney. Eeeeeeep. We bail quick sticks before the cops show up and the fire alarm goes off and eat tacos with Pat and Nate. Morgan gives us some vodka. Mad cunt. We crash at Pat's and Terry and Dingo The Emo Panda make out. Gross. Saturday June 7th
We roll to Melbourne bright and early with MR PATRICK GALVIN, do some dumb shit in Holbrook and mosh to Hatebreed in the van. Tonight is shaping up to be an epic party with all our Melb friends. Its also Kelly's bday. Old cunt. We go to the Parkway show at Billboards and miss Break Even, which sucks. Their new split is sick. Parkway smash it and we head back to the Arthouse and nick off for massive chicken parma's. Head back to the Arty for Slowburn and Hopeless, who both do American Nightmare covers. We play and it goes alright. We throw in the Hope Con cover to keep up the Boston theme going and also do Earth Crisis again, resulting in lots of spilt beer. FYS are awesome. Again. We head to Bang (!) and get rowdy with Jarule, Dez, Callum and a million others that i cant remember at all. Some terrible women out on the prowl tonight, Josh is heartbroken.
Sunday June 8th
Super early roll out for Adelaide today. We shoot fireworks in the desert and Cotter drops some heavy calls on Kelly. Roll into Adelaide, grab food and watch Brendan get totally destroyed by a pizza joint repeatedly putting cheese on his vegan pizza. Tough break bro! Show tonight is good because Footy and Tom come along. We cover Shai Hulud's My Heart Bleeds The Darkest Blood with Dan on vocals and butcher it. It's ok, the kids thought it was a Day To Remember cover. FYS kill it again and play a song off their demo that sounds like Saves The Day with a Hatebreed part. We drink lots and smoke lots with FYS and dudes get emo about the tour being over. The saddest day indeed.
Monday June 9th
Lou and Brendan stay in Adelaide with Footy (the man) to see A Wilhelm Scream and the rest roll from home, taking Monty along for the long arse ride. Despite some wrong turns and Terry smashing the side mirror, we get home.
In conclusion:
Four Year Strong rule
Monty rules
Fireworks rule
Kent rules
Mackey rules
Shane rules
Patrick rules
Footy rules
Tom rules
Jervis sucks
See you all again in a few weeks! |
| |
|
|
|
