DASE A.D. part 1

FYI hessians cannot post blogs. It's against their religion(s) which wikipedia defines as an original pressing of Napalm Death "Scum" and a Leftover Crack patch on their op shop army greens. As i have nothing relevant to impart to the world and do way less drugs than Dase, i am having him post this. It's like The Simpson's with Leonard Nimoy. Look to the skis.

"In lieu of an actual blog, here's something for ya. I went to the museum today. I was meant to go to work but I was in the city to go to swop shop and shit and was like 'hmm...work...vs dinosaur skeletons...'. Seriously what would you choose? To ad to the whole bonus of it I had my walkman and a tape with some Khanate and Burning Witch in my car so it would've been fucking perfect. It would've been my own next-level audio tour where instead of being told about the pleosticene or plasticene or whatever the hell era I would've been like staring into the gaping mouth of imgonnafuckinkillyouasaurus and bigenoughtofuckabusodon and shit with some dude going QUIET NOWWWW, WHILE I STRIIIIP BONNNNEEEEEE, I CRAWWWWLLLL INSIDDDEEEEE MY HUMAAAAAN SHIEEEEEELLLLLLLD in my ears and shit and that would've ruled. 

Notice the tense being speculative, implying a conclusion that was unfortunately not met. That's because THE FUCKING DINOSAUR EXHIBIT WAS CLOSED UNTIL NEXT YEAR. 

I actually went to the melbourne museum on the day that it opened with my pezzas a couple of years ago. It was pretty rad. My old man just grumpily stalked around the place for a couple of hours going on about how it wasn't a proper museum with all this touchy-feely-interactive learning crap replacing 'bits of some ancient greek poof's pottery and big fucking skeletons'. So coming back several years later and not getting the final payoff of dinosaurs? Seriously, fuck you in the dick, melbourne museum. 

And fuck this kidteractive fun learning experience bullshit. I don't want fucking light and sound displays and fucking film screenings and shit. I want actual tangible history...the problem being that biggest part of the museum is 'the melbourne story' and, that's right WE DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING HISTORY. There's an exhibit devoted to the cultural significance of 'neighbours'. No not the people next door who have loud fights and you kinda giggle when you hear the sound of pottery crashing and 'WELL YEAH I FUCKED YORE BEST MAN AT THE WEDDING' yelled at 2am. Not that. The fucking TV show. 

Melbourne museum peeps; if I wanted the history of neighbours I would take that ever so exciting bus tour, or just go up to the Burvale hotel on thursday night and run into the douchebag who plays Lou off his face on cheap reisling again (still funny, more than a decade later). If I wanted to learn in a fun and interactive way I'd go do something fun and interactive like play a game of 'let's get baked and see what household objects are funny to put in the microwave'. If I wanted my kid to learn about history and the world around them I'd show them gory war movies, and then teach them something worthwhile, like how easy it is to survive by eating nothing but 40c packets of mee goreng for a month. Or how you tell the taxi drivers (or cops) that you live at the end of the road that dead ends at the horse paddocks so you can fuck off into the backlots of the golf course and they can't chase you. 

I wouldn't take them to some re-re place that encourages you to stick yr head in a beehive (oh yeah, GREAT skill to learn, that one), or sycophanticly worships the 'story of phar lap'. What the hell is with that anyway? IT'S A HORSE. IT WON A RACE. Then you put it in a huge case and sit around partaking in some intellectual circle jerk, talking about how vicariously fucking fantabulous all of melbourne is with our fabulous history because since 1835 our pretty much most memorable thing is WE HAD A RACE AND A HORSE WON IT? Seriously for the amount of hype that stupid equine fuckwit gets you would think he cured cancer, delivered pizza to sick kids and once copped a wristie from queen victoria. 

There are already places for fun learning, like scienceworks, and the dumpsters behind a shopping center. Museums shouldn't be that. Remember the old one in the middle of the city? Remember those fucking spider crabs on the walls? I had an acid-induced nightmare about one of those once when I was eleven and I've been scared of any cunt with eight legs ever since. Museums are places where we're supposed to be equal parts terrified, grossed out (some of the human dissection stuff got me there, I'll give you that) or bored. They're places where we go to look at big fuck-off stuffed animals, or culturally insensitive artifacts looted from destroyed cultures or world war battlefields. I wanted my big fucking dinosaur skeletons. I got NO big fucking dinosaur skeletons. Have a nice warm glass of stop being so fucking shit, melbourne museum and lift the game."